Conditions of Worth and the Path Back to Your Own Valuing System

Author: Lynda Chebbihi

Many individuals develop internalised messages during childhood regarding how they must act to gain acceptance, validation and love. Such beliefs and conditions of worth often originate in early caregiver-infant relationships and persist throughout the lifespan, leading individuals to seek approval through achievement, compliance, or emotional suppression. Over time, these learned unconscious messages contribute to patterns such as perfectionism and self-criticism.

Examples of Internalised Messages:

• Acceptance is contingent upon personal success

• Emotions must be suppressed to maintain external stability

• The needs of others must take precedence over one's own

When these beliefs become automatic, they can significantly affect mental and physical health (chronic and somatic pain). They contribute to developing a low self-esteem, shame, burnout, anxiety, and challenges with trust. Attention is frequently diverted from internal needs towards external validation.

Reclaiming authenticity is possible and achievable. A helpful starting point is identifying whose expectations you have internalised. This raises questions such as: what values matter to me and what values do not belong to me? Who's voice is that, mine or my mother, father, or someone from my childhood?

Recommended Strategies:

• Notice expectations that feel imposed or misaligned with how you feel

• Practise self-compassion through journaling or short mindfulness practices

• Challenge thoughts that say you must/should perform to be accepted

• Consult with a therapist to explore the origins of these patterns

• Reconnect with values that support emotional safety and self-respect

The ultimate goal is becoming congruence with your true self and value system. When you trust your internal voice(s), you build a more stable sense of worth and live with great congruence with who you truly are.

Trust your process.